by - 8:42 PM

Does August make you a little sad?

I had a weird week. I didn't sleep, I overthought a lot, I gave up booze for life, swapped it out for candy, and enjoyed a diabetic coma at the seemingly innocuous hands of a school of sour patch kids. For dinner.

On Sunday, after three days of embarrassing day drinking -- I made my bed, I'm lying in it -- I came home to a fierce storm. I sat in my kitchen sink, peeking out the window at a weirdly yellow sky, while calling Ryan to tell him I was scared.

"I'm having a fish-fry!" he said, really really cheerfully.

Then the lights cashed out, and a tree fell in my backyard while I began to weep like Jesus in Gethsemane.

This would be a good time for sleeping pills if I had any. Do you know how friggin' boring the world is in the dark? My phone promptly died and I was pretty sure I was next.

I've been watching a lot of Dateline recently, and I'm pretty sure this is was solitary is like in prison. I mean, boredom so intense, you might as well sleep. Or die. Whichever.

Anyway, since I don't have a prescription for "shhh forever", I was forced to have lucid, cognitive thoughts about how to not be a loser in the new year (of my life). I think books make everyone more interesting to talk to, so the next day I hit Amazon and brought home a cart full. Now I'm just waiting for them to show up, so I can learn the art of non-loser-hood.

I'm getting carried away in my pessimism, probably because I've been wallowing for a good seven days -- I actually have a few coming my way that I'm excited about. There's a few suggestions -- human and amazonian --as well as this good one about making a bucket list for the year.

I was talking to my friend a couple days ago about finding a wintertime hobby, because the months are long and really really stupid. And creeping up with feverish intensity which totally bums me out. The bucket list book is on my agenda. Take me seriously though -- there's some cool stuff in there.

When we meet again, I'll have met my favorite celebrity -- wait for it -- dead or alive.

Can you even believe?

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