We Will Never Talk About Grace Thomas Again

by - 11:31 AM

I did a really important thing in a little girl's life this week. Well, two actually. The first has a good story. The second has a video that maybe only the little girl in question + I think is hilarious.

My niece Adelly knows two very real things about me. Primarily that I will always buy her lipgloss and candy. Also, if her mom says "no" -- I'll probably say "yes."

First thing, I want to place blame right where it belongs -- on my sister, Deanna. She trusted me to babysit her children. Problem number one. In the nine and a half years that Adelle has been alive, I've only been trust two times and this is one of them. The first time, Adelle arrived home with approximately 17 gallons of ice cream and 12 pixie stix in her little belly. Problem number two is that I'm a weak woman when it comes to cute faces and a reminder that I never sent a birthday present. So Adelle breaks into this fantastically elaborate story about Bon-Bon, who is apparently the cutest dog in life, parented by the American Girl of the year, Grace Thomas. Bon-Bon, who does look pretty cute in cartoon form, can be purchased online via the American Girl website.

Adelle brings me there. We look, we swoon, we wonder how much it costs.

Honestly, $22 is more than I spent on adopting my own dog. You know, the one who lives and breathes and does snuggly things. But that's beside the point, because I never did send a birthday present after all.

So Bon-Bon the bulldog ends up in my virtual cart.

Together, Adelle and I proceed to check-out. I give my billing address, Adelle's shipping address, and seal the deal with my credit card number. THEN, Adelle reminds me of Grace Thomas. "Let's just look at her," she says. She also pats my back really lovingly, but I'm sure that was genuine affection and not effect.

Let me tell you something very very very effing important people -- separate tabs mean nothing. I've got Bon-Bon in a pretend cart on one tab, and Grace Thomas in a tab minus the cart in another one. Adelle and I have a brief conversation about how many ungifted birthdays need to pass before she can con me into a Grace Thomas before switching back to Bon-Bon the dog. I hit submit on the order and prepare to take all the hugs one aunt can get for buying a .25 cent toy with a $22 AG tag made in China.

Then the world implodes.

Somehow, that bish Grace Thomas finagled her way into my pretend cart and I've got a fun receipt reflecting multiple hundreds of dollars and most unfortunately, my correct billing address.

I've also got a clapping little girl hopping up and down next to me. "I'M GETTING GRACE THOMAS?!"

Crap, she can read.

Also, this is literally the last good deed of my entire life.

Luckily, God bless you American Girl, we quickly locate a 24-hour 800 number that only results in about five minutes of arguing before being transferred to someone with the authority to change an order. While I'm on hold listening to the elevator music, Adelly is in the background innocently asking me, "what if we have to buy her Aunt Jenn?" and suggesting, "'cause my mom said rules are rules and this is, um, this is American Girl's rule."  Normally I would laugh, but I'm about to be sick, so instead I'm all "now is not the time Adelly" and "tell your sister to stop taking off her diaper."

I'm still on hold when my sister returns. That's not a problem though, because Adelle handles the update. "Um, Riley won't keep her underpants on AND AUNT JENN BOUGHT ME GRACE THOMAS!"

I also made neon blue pancakes, but I guess we're not sharing that little bit of fun, are we?

Anyway, Adelle continues, "yeah, but except she didn't really mean to, but she might have to because rules are rules and this is American Girl's rule. Right mom? Isn't that right? Rules are rules."

Deanna raises her eyebrows at me, because she knows right now that she is the older sister, and has always been smarter and wiser, and now is really not a good time for me to argue. And then I'm pretty sure she said something along the lines of "rules are rules, Adellia." And she might have smirked, but that's just speculation.

I leave the room because I don't want Adelle to know just yet that you can pretty much argue your way out of anything and I effectively argued Grace Thomas out of my virtual cart, off my credit card, and away from my life forever. An act of apology to her mother, really -- I don't want Adelle to know that rules are in fact, not really rules at all.

And on Thursday, that little tootsie-pop got a little package in the mail. Bon-Bon arrived -- a birthday present six months later. And the last one ever.

She's getting a check in the mail for the rest of her life.

****EDITED to kindly point out that Adellia already has Sage, last year's AG of the year. So trust me, she's not suffering.****


I know you're just alight with curiosity, so important thing number two is Dubsmash. I brought it into Adelly's life yesterday and now we've got a small addiction on our hands. We only made about 74 of these things yesterday.

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