August 15, 2018

9:54 AM

Okay, so as it turns out, I'm still writing this on Wednesday. I had to delete an entire paragraph here that referenced it being Monday. Cool.

I'm just going to tell you honestly that when I feel stressed out, I cannot write. At least not with any semblance of creativity. It's like the inner monologue that almost constantly talks at me in my head, like pretty narcissistically, just kind of shuts the hell up. And without that inner monologue, things just snowball quickly. Like, when I spill milk all over the floor, nothing is telling me to chill, because this is going to be funny in ten minutes and be something I can write about. So instead, I get all discourage-y and mad at myself for being clumsy. Which is actually pretty true, so this escalates quickly, because I'm about to crack my head on something in the next half an hour or so, because I'm also not situationally aware. And then I'm full on mad.

So anyway, that's where I'm at right now -- just about to crack my head on something.

But the weekend was nice! I took Duke to Traverse City on Saturday to get some grocery shopping done and we swung by the farmers market to smell all the lavender and look at fancy artisanal stuff, then hopped right over to Walmart to buy milk and reality check ourselves.

Sunday was a beach day because it's a million degrees and we 👏 ain't 👏 complaining. My niece is here again until the weekend to watch Duke for us, so we putzed around, ate ice cream, and read 2-year old People Magazines until dinner time.


***
I think what I'll remember most, and miss the most, about this summer is the slow, easy part right after we've eaten dinner, somehow gotten everything cleaned up, and find ourselves outside in the front yard. Ryan's usually in the garage, and I sit on the stoop with an iced tea and a magazine, while we encourage Duke to burn up the final dregs in his bottomless energy reserve. Ryan queues up Willy or Johnny or sometimes Snoop, and it's comfortably warm and it just feels good. Things slow down for that forty-five minutes. Sometimes it's the only part of the day that Ryan and I can just talk and enjoy each other's company and laugh at crazy Duke running through the yard. It's a few minutes of bliss.

***
Okay guys, let's talk links because that's what we're here for right?

I'm a nail biter. A recovering one. I quit consistently biting my junior year in high school, but I'm still apt to chew them when I'm nervous or stressed or inebriated. I've really been at it lately, so I finally bought some No Bite. It's adequately disgusting, so I'd call it a success.

I've finally been filling my walls with stuff and Etsy has been such a go-to. I just found this print and I think I'm going to get it. Just, you know, I'm not sure where to put it.

If you think you spent too much time on your phone, you're probably right. I just downloaded the Moment App to track my usage and I am ashamed. I spend about an hour and a half on my phone every day, at least. Like that's a short day. You can't fix what you don't know, right? Well, now I do.

I have working mom guilt. I just do and sometimes I just google variations of that sentence to know that I'm not alone. And one thing that frustrates me is so many articles are written about how/why/when you should lose the guilt and I just think, no -- the conviction to be the person who raises my son is never going to go away and I don't want it to. All I want is to feel seen and understood, and that someone gets the way I feel. "You are not a bad mama for working. You are a not a bad employee because you are a mom."

However, kids can be such little shits.

My favorite Instagram to follow right now is THRIVE Magazine. First of all, they make vegetables look so gorgeous, it's like God commissioned them. I keep telling myself that today is the day I eat healthy (!!!) but just like, two days ago, I was swinging through McD's drive thru at 9pm, so maybe tomorrow?

***
So okay - Wednesday. That's pretty sweet -- halfway there!


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